Are We Compatible ?

A Couples Temperament Test Compared

Below is a typical analysis we do for a couple in counseling.  It’s a wonderful tool for identifying the areas a couple should be aware of.   We find this tool to be incredibly insightful because it goes far beyond the ” 5 Love Languages” many couples have already tried.  It is not just the love languages but the in born design God has for your life and how that relates to your spouses design.  By working through these revelations we find couples gain amazing insight into their husband’s or wife’s needs of both expressing and wanting the desires.

Inclusion – In the Area of Inclusion, Peter and Ellen are very compatible. They both have similar expressed needs and they have identical wanted needs. Again, the biggest issue here is for them to learn to honor God in their behaviors and interaction with others. They need to learn not to compromise God’s standards in order to feel accepted by friends.

Control – The Area of Control has potential for conflict due to Peter’s temperament. A Sanguine in Control can cause other people to think the person is “crazy.” In the secular psychology world Peter would be typically described as bipolar. One moment he wants to be in control (Independent Mode) and the next moment he will flip to self-deprecation and claim that he is worthless (Dependent Mode). As a Melancholy Phlegmatic in Control, Ellen will probably shut down when she starts to see this behavior. If she says anything at all that Peter perceives as negative or derogatory, he will move into this dependent mode. Peter will ask for Ellen’s input but then become “unreasonable” when she gives him this input. Over time this will cause a lot of damage in their relationship. Peter needs to learn that when he is in his independent mode he has the potential to be a very good leader. He needs to recognize when he swings to his dependent mode and he needs to learn to indulge himself in ways that are not sinful, but still meet his need for self-indulgence. The key is for him to recognize the swing before it becomes too severe. Ellen needs to also learn to recognize this swing and to permit Peter to self-indulge in non-sinful ways. This means letting things go and not pursuing Peter until he is able to move back to his independent mode. (Self-indulgence may be eating a candy bar or taking a bubble bath. This may be anything that brings pleasure but is not sinful or destructive.)

Affection – This is a huge area of potential conflict for Peter and Ellen. As a Sanguine compulsive, Ellen is looking for affection and opening up to everyone and anyone. She can never get enough touch and “I love you.” As a Melancholy Phlegmatic, Peter is not prone to saying “I love you” very much. He feels that sex is his way of telling Ellen that he loves her. He may also do things to show his love. However, it is not enough for Ellen and he will eventually get emotionally worn out and quit trying. Ellen will then turn to others to try and get this need met. This could lead to an affair or other inappropriate behaviors, not because Ellen is looking for sexual relationship, but because she wants emotional intimacy. This is a tough case to work with. Ellen needs to learn to meet her needs in Godly ways. She also needs to learn that there is no one that can meet all of her emotional intimacy needs. Peter needs to learn to step out of his comfort zone and make an effort to spend time with Ellen and tell her regularly that she is loved. When we consider Ellen’s Sanguine compulsive needs in Affection with Peter’s Sanguine needs in Control there is the potential for huge conflict. They have got to learn to turn to God and meet these needs appropriately.

Timothy Paul